Nine Perfect Strangers & The Primal Wounds
I loved this series, based on the book Nine Perfect Strangers by Liane Moriarty. It was one of the few times I’ve ever seen a series (or movie) that actively addressed shadow work. Shadow work, if you are unfamiliar with Carl Jung’s work, is a process that involves getting in touch with the parts of yourself that you've repressed. Some people call these parts their shadow, others call these parts our dark passengers. When left unaddressed, repressed, and unintegrated they can lead us down a life of pain and suffering.
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” - Carl Jung
The New age movement was all about “light and love” and a by-product of that was toxic positively - the act of bypassing your human emotions because they weren’t desirable. The Now age is all about embracing ourselves in our entirety. This is considered a path to enlightenment called Tantra Yoga. You can listen to an entire episode about the “New Age” vs the “Now Age” here.
The serpent crown represents the kundalini, an important aspect of Tantra Yoga.
Nine Perfect Strangers is an excellent example of Tantra Yoga. Although many people believe that Tantra is about sex, it’s actually not. It’s about embracing all aspects of what makes us human. In Tantra, nothing is “too holy,” nothing is forbidden or repressed. And that is why sexuality is often associated with Tantra, because it is not ascetic, like other spiritual practices or branches of yoga. There is no renunciation in Tantra Yoga (as most other Yoga paths were reserved for brahmins, ascetics, and monks).
How is this series a great example of Tantra Yoga? Because the Russian guru (or shaman) in the series, Masha, embraces all. She embraces drugs, sex, death, grief, all of it. She constantly gets on the same level as her “students.” If they feel something, she feels it. If they want to escape, such as when Napoleon lies to her in his one-on-one session, she accepts it and lets him leave. She holds nothing back — and it is in the very presence of her fully embracing all that life has to offer, she allows others around her to also accept their realities. With the help of micro-dosing on psychedelics, and being in the presence of someone who resists nothing - her clients/students drop their own resistance, so that they can see their unconscious shadows, and then finally accept and integrate them.
The Primal Wounds are developed in infancy or early childhood, and then awakened or triggered by events in our adulthood.
Let’s focus now on the primal wounds. These are the fundamental most primal wounds we all experience and understanding the wounds in the characters of this series can help you identify them in yourself and in your loved ones. Each character in Nine Perfect Strangers has a predominant primal wound which pairs wonderfully with our Primal Wound series in This Spiritual Fix Podcast [Season 1, episodes 14-21].
To begin, let’s Look at a brief summary of each of the primal wounds:
The Abandonment Wound: is about an intense fear of being left or forgotten. Painfully triggered when ghosted, stood up, left, or someone has died. The coping mechanism (or mask) to prevent this pain is the codependent - if you make yourself indispensable who will leave you? You can hear our entire abandonment episode here.
The Rejection Wound: is about an intense fear of being rejected or criticized. They are painfully triggered when aspects of themselves or their work are criticized. They avoid this feeling by not fully engaging in their passions or goals (drumroll . . . self-sabotage) and they flee from conflict. The mask is the fugitive or escape artist. By escaping the world (through workaholism, distraction, or addiction) you never have to face your problems head-on. The entire rejection episode is here.
The Injustice Wound: here, deep down inside this one is a belief that to be worthy of love, you need to be “correct", “perfect” or “useful.” Triggered by things that are not fair, a desire to make the world right. The mask is the rigid critic - this means they villainize and blame those who are wrong and often create plans to exact balance or revenge. Learn more about the injustice wound here.
The Betrayal Wound: is the experience of being deceived or losing loyalty or trust. Although it may look like a fear of infidelity, it’s actually deep-down fear of losing control and surrendering. The mask is the controller — by intimidating and controlling others and the environment around you, you get to mitigate risk and never be vulnerable. Learn more about the controller and the betrayal wound here.
The Humiliation Wound: is the experience of shame and humiliation, triggered by feelings of inadequacy, and intrusive thoughts that demean or persecute oneself. It is a belief that you are dirty, bad, and wrong. The mask is the masochist which has nothing to do with BDSM. It has to do with a desire to self-punish, to keep oneself from truly enjoying the pleasures of life, and instead of punishing oneself for being “bad.” Learn more about this wound here.
Grief: now, grief is not necessarily one of the primal wounds. It is a natural emotional expression of losing someone or something you love that is irreplaceable. The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, and until one reaches acceptance then grief very much behaves like a primal wound. We have an entire episode on childhood grief here, the principles apply to anyone who has experienced loss.
let’s look at the characters and their wounds (Warning: beyond this point, there are Plot spoilers):
Masha (Nicole Kidman): She is confronted with the primal wound of grief (for her daughter) and abandonment. She is open about her grief for her daughter and we get insights that she is suffering from abandonment for a few reasons:
She has co-dependent behaviors (such as sleeping with Yao who is already in a relationship with Delilah). People with abandonment wounds wear the mask of co-dependence to keep people from leaving them. Co-dependents seek emotionally unavailable lovers.
She is poor at making boundaries (such as jumping into the Marconi’s therapy session / sleeping with Carmel’s husband).
She abruptly left Russia (abandoning her country and her past). People with abandonment wounds often inflict abandonment onto others. We can often decipher the wound one carries by what wound they inflict onto others (for example, people with a humiliation wound will use shame to correct their children).
She is most hurt that she doesn’t see her daughter’s ghost / feel her presence (feels abandoned by her / by the afterlife).
Frances (Melissa McCarthy): This character suffers predominantly from the wound of humiliation.
She fears humiliation and shame as a writer, she has an intense fear of being seen as an imposter or bad writer.
She wears long layers of clothing to hide her body, even in the pool - she is ashamed of her body.
In her visions of her cyber-boyfriend who betrayed her, she doesn’t roll so much in the pain of betrayal but rather in the humiliation she feels at being “duped.” She blames herself for being “pathetic” enough to fall for his lies.
She flushes her ex (his psychedelic-induced mirage) down the toilet, which is the quintessential act of humiliation - she is equating him with feces.
She is very hurt when given poor criticism of her newest book and tears herself apart for being an imposter.
Tony (Bobby Cannavale): The predominant primal wound for this character is rejection, here’s why:
He spent many years addicted to pain pills. Addiction is a form of escapism which is a form of rejecting reality.
His greatest pain is being rejected by his ex-wife and children.
He references being rejected for being imperfect (his injured knee).
He rejects other people, makes jokes at others’ expense. Often we yield onto others the wound we suffer from the most.
Lars (Luke Evans): This character suffers from the wound of betrayal, although it may not be so clear because he doesn’t suffer directly from any obvious breaches of trust. However, his coping mechanism of being the controller is clear throughout the series:
He violates (breaks trust) the rules of Tranquillium House by using his phone on the property.
He has a strong desire of being honored and respected as a journalist (controllers love fame and honor).
He doesn’t want a child with his partner because he doesn’t trust his own ability to be a good parent.
He tries to control his entire experience, by not fully partaking in the experience of microdosing or the therapy. He chooses instead to watch from the outside in order to control his own vulnerability. Luckily, because Masha understands his need for control and prestige she gives him access to his phone and by seeing others surrender and be vulnerable he also has his own “safe” transformation.
Zoe (Grace Van Pattern): This character is suffering from grief and abandonment. She is the most like Masha in this sense and that is why Masha sees her as the most important of the nine strangers to serve as the catalyst for healing and bringing the dead alive, or back into our reality. She is a more “innocent” version of Masha.
In fact, Masha, Zoe, and her parents could not have gotten a resolution without Zoe. She is one of the most important characters of the entire series. I believe Masha saw herself in Zoe and understood that Zoe would be a “tuning fork” to elicit her own healing. And this is why she was so adamant the Marconi Family come to Tranquillium House. Napoleon (Zoe’s father) references many times he was given a discount to come. I believe Masha needed Zoe to be there and that is why the discount was given.
We know she is suffering from grief for obvious reasons. Her abandonment wound is made clear by:
Her display of co-dependent behavior. She instantly befriends Lars, and is rather “overly” connected to her parents for a young woman of her age.
When discussing the passing of her brother, it is very much tinged with comments of him leaving the family.
Jessica (Samara Weaving): Jessica suffers from the rejection wound. Here is why:
She escapes reality by living in social media.
She is overly concerned by others’ valuation of her.
Losing her nose is her greatest fear because it means she will be rejected.
Napoleon (Michael Shannon): This loving father suffers from grief and injustice. Here is how we can see it is injustice:
FIrst, he blames himself for sleeping through his alarm. Again, blame. A belief there are logical steps that can prevent pain — but life is messy.
When he discovers his wife administered meditation with a side-effect of suicidal ideation he shifts his blame. He holds his wife responsible for the death of his son. Injustice often villainizes others and needs someone to blame for their pain. Blaming others is a way to distract oneself from pain, but sadly it can not save you from it.
He is very rigid and perfectionistic (pre-microdosing).
He tries to make everything make sense and be fair, and it bothers him that such an amazing teacher was not able to see his son was suicidal. It needs to make sense. It needs to be fair.
Heather (Asher Keddie): Napolean’s wife suffers from grief, and then more silently humiliation. Why do I believe she is suffering from the humiliation wound?
She holds herself responsible for the death of her son, but not in the logical “balance the scales" way that her husband does. For her, it is a primal sense of shame, and unworthiness.
She is a masochist, she denies herself pleasure, smiles, enjoyment of life.
We see she has begun her healing when she goes skinny-dipping in the water, she is letting go of shame.
Carmel (Regina Hall): This amazing character suffers from the injustice wound.
Ultimately we know that Carmel was betrayed by her husband’s infidelity but it’s ultimately the injustice of it that gets her goat.
She is most upset about the injustice and disparity between her and her husband’s new wife.
She rolls in how unfair the lot she has been given in life. She gave so much to her daughters and husband and then look how unfair things turned out.
She goes into a rage when triggered, the injustice wound has a very fiery and angry-based reaction.
She tries to balance the scales by shooting Masha.
She cannot fathom being forgiven because injustice people are all about “an eye for an eye.” Injustice wounded people have the hardest time accepting or enacting forgiveness because their rigid beliefs about the world form their reality (and that’s just why it’s so amazing and transformative that Masha forgave her).
Delilah (Tiffany Boone): Like Lars, Delilah suffers from the wound of betrayal. Here is why:
Yao betrays her by sleeping with Masha. She perceives it as betrayal and not as injustice (you can see here how the same stimulus can elicit a different reaction based on the wound of the perceiver — Carmel perceives infidelity as an injustice).
When Masha insists on giving everyone higher doses of the drug, Delilah is triggered because she feels that Masha is betraying her authority and power.
She tries to control the outcome of the retreat. Controllers need to prevent risk. The is why she runs to the police.
Ben (Melvin Gregg): Like his wife, Jessica, Ben suffers from rejection.
His wound of rejection is subtle. He just doesn’t engage. He isn’t present. He escapes not through drugs but through zoning out.
Masha understands that Ben is an escape artist which is why, instead of psychedelics, she prescribes him MDMA. This way, he can get back into his body and stop day-dreaming / spacing out.
Looking at the characters of this series through the lens of the primal wounds is a beautiful way to humanize and connect us to their struggles. After all, each and every one of us has multiple levels of primal wounds within us, some are more predominant than others. What I love about this series is that it illustrates how life-transforming it is to look at your shadow, to embrace your wounds, to integrate them. The characters used psychedelics to accelerate the raising of their unconscious wounds, but you don’t need drugs to do this. Introspection, meditation, and energy work can bring you there as well. In uncovering and integrating your shadow self you open yourself up to the possibility of living your life, without the need to wear masks to protect yourself from primal pain. As we say again and again in our podcast, reaching deeper into our unconscious field will bring up aspects of our shadow — that doesn’t mean there is more of us to “fix” — just more of us to love.
You can learn more about the Primal Wounds in the book Heal Your Wounds and Find Your True Self, by Lise Bourbeau. Stream the series on Hulu here. We hope you check out the podcast series on the primal wounds, think of our podcast as a remote, self-paced journey to Tranquillium House. Subscribe to the podcast because we will air a bonus episode about Nine Perfect Strangers, next season.
